I am waiting not-so-patiently for 9:00 a.m., when I get to squeeze and love on my beautiful little Kindergartner. I feel so very lucky that I am a parent who gets to see my baby again. Too many parents in Connecticut will not get that chance, not in this lifetime, and it breaks my heart.
Today's been a hard day for everyone, but none of us can fathom the pain that those families are experiencing.
I don't know why this shooting has hit me so hard. Maybe because I have a Kindergartner? They are the most loving, innocent, lovable human beings. They don't know that there is evil out there in the world. They expect the best from everyone that they meet. They assume everyone just wants everyone else to be happy, just like they do. How anyone could end such beautiful lives is beyond me and honestly angers me and saddens me to a degree that I'm not sure I've ever reached before. I keep hoping I will wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a dream, a terrible nightmare. Unfortunately that's not how it will work. And those poor families in Connecticut will continue to live this nightmare, every day, as they miss their precious little innocent babies.
I find myself struggling in my prayers for them. What do I pray for? Peace in their hearts? Strength? I've never lost a child, but I find it hard to believe that anyone could find peace in their hearts after such a tragedy. Strength is a tough one for me too. No parent should need others to lift them up in prayer for strength after the death of a child. Again, I have never lost a child, but I imagine that to be life's toughest pain. And a pain that no one should have to experience. Period.
I just can't wait to see Paetyn in the morning. I keep thinking about when I last dropped her off at school. She had on these bright pink gloves. There were just a little too small because she can't find one of her new mittens. She had my big white scarf wrapped around her little neck and a polka-dot stocking cap on that pretty little blonde head. She had her big ol' pink Barbie backpack strapped tightly to her back, running toward the school doors. It's so cute and funny how the Kindergartners always seem to run everywhere. I could just imagine how she was out of breath by the time she got to the door because her book bag was so heavy. She always seems to check out the biggest books from the library. I'm just completely and utterly overcome with love for that little 5-year-old.
It's strange now to think back to that morning when I made a decision, as I watched her run into the school through my rear-view mirror (yes, I realize how un-safe that sounds). I decided that I was going to walk her inside every day instead of going through the drop-off lane. Yes, the school doors are locked once school starts, but there are a lot of people in the hallways in the mornings. All it takes is one person with bad motives. At the time, I wasn't thinking of avoiding a school shooting. Instead I was thinking about avoiding a kidnapping. We all say, "That would never happen in MY town." Well it does happen, and I would guess that in every town that it has happened, at least one person previously said that exact same phrase. THAT scares me. We can't predict where or when these terrible tragedies will occur, but I do hope that we can stop them in the future.
There, now I've found what I can fervently pray about, along with my prayers for those affected by today's events: that one day parents can send their children to school and not fear for the children's safety.
Our prayers, thoughts and love are with you, Sandy Hook Elementary School and Newtown, Connecticut. May you feel the warmth of a loving nation surrounding you, supporting you. We hurt for you and we are here for you.
